Spring cleaning emotional mania....

So Wednesday I had a MINI breakdown at work because I was so stressed, scared due to my non stop migraine and just emotionally drained from worrying about my manager. He sent me home and gave me a hug. I wasn't going to say anything to him, but I couldn't hold back. He told me to stay home Thursday if I'm still feeling 'crummy'. Thursday morning I texted him and said 'I will take your advice and stay home today. Thank u so much for the support, it meant a lot to me. I got about 3hrs of sleep so that's better, hopefully I'll make it out of my bathroom this weekend!" The bathroom reference is in regards to it being THE ONLY dark place in my apartment.
I was waiting for a response but NOTHING! Not 'ok' or his usually 'k'..so now I'm worried again.

I have been a cleaning machine since Tuesday. I mean SERIOUS overhaul. Garbaging everything. I think it's more like therapy or a way of coping. I am a notorious pack rat and keep things (good or bad) for sentimental value. Things give me the feeling that I exist/matter. That I have some weight/value. Yes, therapy is needed lol.

I literally cleaned from 11am Wednesday when I got home from work to 7pm that night. Thursday I did about 5hrs worth. I don't even know where to start because I have SO MUCH STUFF and yet feel so empty. I still have magazines from 2000! I stopped counting at 560 magazines (I keep wanting to save the 'good ones' for later or feel that having a collection means something/represents me in some way). I dumped literally over 500 magazines and put some in the gym. Reorganized stuff, moved my Davinci Sugar Free Syrup 12count boxes into a different corner ( I have 12 FULL), vacuumed a bit and mostly just PURGED.

I feel so burdened by the past that I just snapped. I channeled all my unhappiness into feeling so lost and cluttered. I threw my back out from trying to carry a garbage bag full of HEAVY magazines (300). I live in a HIGH apartment so I had to take about 45000 trips down and up! I will take a picture of the boxes because I literally have so much 'canned' non perishable food, I could survive Armageddon just fine. I like to have 'back up' or tons of something, because then I feel that I will be okay. I had a hard time parting with somethings (cards etc) because again- 'STUFF' MAKES ME FEEL I MATTER! I told myself that it is okay if I cannot part with some stuff now. Obviously, I am not throwing EVERYTHING away.
My rule is this- if I haven't read/looked at it for about 4 months or if I didn't even know I had it- GARBAGE (this is mostly in regards to all the newspaper/magazine articles I rip out, info sheets on supplements I keep for 'reference', new supplement product info sheets (I'm in the industry) etc. You guys have NO idea how many pieces of paper I had ripped out. GARBAGE. I have about 6months worth of UNOPENED unread magazines (Oxygen, ELLE, Clean Eating, Self, Prevention and Shape).

Yesterday I got picked up by my friend and got a cute storage bin, 10 vacuum bags for my Kenmore 12AMP seldom used Canister Vac, PGX granules, a 6pack of v8 juice in mini 30cal cans, more mustard and a CROCK POT! I haven't opened it yet because I am not sure if I am keeping it. It was $18 from Walmart! Hamilton Beach. I don't like that it is white/cream with silver. I wanted chrome/brushed steel or black.

ANY SUGGESTIONS ON A SLOW COOKER???? This one is 4Qts which is perfect. I have a 3QT on hold at Sears. They had fancier programmable ones, but I just want a sturdy good one.

I also have been taking 1/2tabs of Ativan again and they make me really sick and weird.
B
ps- I just realized that it is spring and ironically I am doing 'Spring Cleaning'. I think I am doing emotional cleaning and hopefully I will finally feel at home. I hope that I don't just burn out and stop doing it. I have about another 2weeks worth or work that I need in order to get it presentable. I just hope I finish and MAINTAIN