Saturday Mar 27

I write this EXHAUSTED on a Sunday morning. Here is a quick recap of Saturday! Woke up in a good mood and got ready for the gym. AMAZING workout!!! 55min 540cak/5.89miles. I obviously showered and then decided to ask the cool security guard about my 'situation' with feeling uneasy about my weekend friend. He is an ex-military no nonesense type of guy. At the gym I measured out 26g of Genesis Today 4Fiber to make into pudding at home. I also grabbed a Protilife Chocolate shake packet.
I decided to make a shake with the packet instead of pudding (I always split it in half in my magic bullet-8g in each serving-so I make two shakes from the 17g packet). I added Davinci Syrups, Walden Farms Pancake Syrup, PGX granules, cancer packets, ice and cinnamon and a DASH of the 4Fiber (it congeals it and gives it a cohesive texture). I ended up using only making 1 shake and saved the rest for night to dip my crackers in!

Creamy Goodness




So good! I ate this with my lunch.

4Fiber cookie dough/pudding

Yes, it is resting on top of my Magic Bullet Single Shot Box! Very Apprapos!

I also have the Magic Bullet Express, the Bullet Express Food processor, and The Ninja Master Prep!

I then decided to text my Manipulative weekend friend a happy text to feel the situation out. Luckily, he was in a great mood and we had a wicked day.

Not to steal a quote from Bella, but his "mood swings are giving me whip-lash'! Seriously, he needs help. I made the best of my day and got most of my groceries done. I also got sunglasses for 7.98! We went to the WholeSale Superstore for my box of 14 Radishes. I think I forgot to mention that on Wednesday, I got DENIED at Costco? At the checkout!! ALL I had was Celery and 2.9L TUB of French's Mustard! Anyways, they did have Sunspun mustard on sale for $5 for 3.78L.

This picture DOES NOT do the size justice FYI! It is the size a a head or from your elbow to your wrist. You can see my friend placing my box of radishes on top. We then went to Staples to look for Day Planners (I wanted the one back-stabby co-worker got lol) but didn't find it. Next up was SUPERSTORE!!! I also called this new place I get my PGX granules from and they forgot to call me to tell me they got my order. We refer to this Superstore as KOSHER Superstore; they used to have this awesome isle called 'Kosher Foods' which also had 5 WALDEN FARMS products!!! They renovated, moved everything and WF went missing (except for the Honey Dijon Dressing) and yesterday I looked at the very bottom shelf and they had the Chocolate Dip and Strawberry Dip!!!!!!!!!!!! I got my Dole Romaine (7 bags-one for each day), 6 340g bags of Cauliflower, mushrooms, canned green beans, SALSA, green onions, more mustard, electrolyte packets and deodorant!!! Below is my favorite isle #2! They now have the canned vegetable with the SALSA!!! Salsa used to be with the Kosher Foods (which I loved). I ofcourse grabbed TWO big Jugs of Medium Salsa (No Name- because I'm ghetto like that!)

They are the ones on the bottom with the lame yellow label. We also perused the various ethnic isles for a bit (where we found the COCK soup packet last time) and found this diddy:

"Less-Grease Peanuts" WTF?

We ended making the natural food place 2min before they closed and I got my granules and some BIJA HOLY BASIL TEA!
The key is I had a nice day and made it out SAFELY. God, that is not a good bar of success! I am going to have to make some changes, and this up and down emotional abuse is wearing me out. Off to the gym; hope he is stable today!

Love you all, and thanks again for the support!

Jan 1 2010

I woke up this morning (slept in) at 10am!! I stayed up late researching which gyms were open near me- only one and it was far away. I went to see it the Rec Room gym was open, but they forgot to unlock it. I then contemplated jogging outside, but upon realizing it was -24C outside, I changed my mind. I did some bicep curls (60 each arm) and 10 push ups and called it a day! ha ha. I then ate a pack of radishes dipped into Walden Farms Italian Dressing, and made 37g or Amazing Grass SuperFoods Chocolate! LOVE THIS! I got this yesterday at Planet Organic. 37g= 4.62 servings. I naturally added 2 packets SweetnLow, Davinci Sugar Free Peanut Butter syrup, Walden Farms Pancake syrup and cinnamon!







I then spent an hour researching the Internet for some supplements etc, and decided to go lie down at noon. I NEVER do this, but this was a challenge. I get antsy and my heart rate will actually speed up. I had some BIJA Holy Basil tea- which works miracles, and totally calmed me down. I normally use New Chapter's Holy Basil, but the tea was a nice adjunct. I promised myself that I will stay in bed until 1pm. I decided to continue with my reading of Edward Kennedy's Memoir 'True Compass' (fantastic) and finally got up to go to the bathroom. My sister and I had tentative plans to go see a movie, but I hadn't heard from her by 1:22pm- still sleeping. I turned the kettle on for more tea and then turned to the computer only to see the 'missed call' alert on my cell. I had literally JUST missed her call. She obviously was too tired! I talked to my dad a bit (so impersonal and formal with me- brought tears to my eyes), and am now drinking 2 more Holy Basil teas, listening to music on my computer, and just killing time!

I made some raw zucchini marinara and ate another bag of radishes:



I then made my GG Scandinavian Bran Crispbread of goodness along with more Chocolate Amazing Grass Super Food Chocolate batter:




I then made dinner using a bag of broccoli slaw, tuna, 4 cans of beans, 908g bag romaine, tomato, green onion, dressing, 12 nori sushi seaweed sheets:





I let stress get to me and ended up getting 2 more cans of green beans, 74g of broccoli slaw, 11.8g zucchini with lemon pepper, and some with sweetener and cinnamon, 3 more sushi sheets.... and then I ran down to my storage mail box and had another 37g chocolate superfood, went back up decided I want more, and made TWO more trips to get more! In total? 139GRAMS!! 518cals worth! I am texting some friends to see if they want to hang out tomorrow so I don't have to see S (anxious already) but they are either busy catching up on work, have plans etc. I feel like such a failure. Tomorrow my gym finally opens back up from Dec25 so that will be nice. I am a basket case!

You guys have no idea how much I want to run and hide today. Don't want to go to work. Don't want to face life. I'm so scared. Just texted my manager saying I'm embarrassed about yesterday, and if I can have 1 more day to adjust. I am STRUGGLING.
I feel like the seams are unravelling and I am slowly fall apart, thread by thread. I bring a WHOLE new meaning to 'She's come undone'. I think I'm going to test out the Ativan after my workout. I realize it's not THAT big of a deal, but I was addicted to it before. I physically couldn't think about it after; it would make me feel like throwing up. Especially the swallowing part. The pills I had always disintegrated in my mouth and I could taste this chalky, odd powdery taste. I think I'll cut the 1mg in half and start with 0.5mg for now. I just don't want to be popping them like candy, and using them to cope again.

My friend is taking me to TandT's today to grab some shiritaki noodles! I am also leaving for the gym in a few minutes, although I am a nervous wreck. Mostly because of my manager. I looked up to him as a dad type figure, and am always terrified to be rejected and judged by him. It really hurts. I can't let what other people think about me affect me so much. I am NOT what my manager/parents' etc think of me. I hate that I put my 'life' into other people's hands. I hate waiting to see what my manager says- Feeling at THEIR mercy. I hate the waiting. The uncertainty... I wish I could feel like I have purpose again...

I will update with pics after the gym.

Update:
Gym 54minutes:520 calories/ 5.40miles. My ankle is KILLING ME. The acetaminophen I took this a.m did nothing!

I am currently sipping onBija's Holy Basil Tea and eating 5 scoops ofAmazing Grass Chocolate Superfoods' mixed with cinnamon, sweetener, and sf pancake syrup. Thick like brownie batter. SO GOOD!



Excuse the supplement bottles and mess in the background! This tea is very mild and has a distinct herb like taste. Not bad at all!

Had a good day! Saw 9 in the cheap theatre, hit up the Asian T&T's for shiritaki, Superstore for more Romaine, green onions, salsa and diet ginger ale. I also got a night lamp finally, and THREE candy flavored lip chaps (Reese's, mounds, almond joy).I ate 3 Atkinson's peanut butter bars/chick-o-sticks too!

This is my lunch I had post gym (after my 5 scoops chocolate super foods):





My GG Scandinavian Bran Crispbread hot 'cereal':



My fridge (and beautiful bell peppers):


Dinner: