Grocery, tantrums and tearful workouts..

I woke up beyond cranky today. You know the type of mind numbing-overwhelmed exhaustion that overwhelms you and pushes you past your breaking point? I may have burst into tears about 3x before 9am. I am so tired. Mentally, emotionally: I feel like I have nothing more to give. Apparently, this is not the case as physically (though being more sore and tight in the hips/legs and shoulders than I've been in a long time), I pounded out a pretty decent workout this morning, given my current state. I make a teething, sleep deprived, sugar crashing 2 year old look like Buddah.

 I also MAY have burst into tears when the trainer at the gym mentioned that I looked tired. I did apologize in advance to EVERYONE- I said "I'm sorry-I'm a mess. I'm beyond drained, anxious and I am just exhausted and irritable; I really need to sleep and rest'. Of course the mind always makes things worse, but this constant stress, uncertainty and anxiety is killing me. I worry 24/7. I AM SO FRAZZLED! I feel like I am running a 'mental marathon' every single day. Just worrying, running...

She said 'You should go lie down, get some sleep' to which I tearfully replied 'Don't you think I know that!!?? I would if I could. I can't. I'm too tired'. lol. I wasn't sobbing, or actually crying. Just that overwhelmed, frustrated, tears falling from eyes type of release/hysteria. I kept telling myself 'quit whining- you're just tired and overwhelmed. You are blessed and have every reason to be happy- you're okay" all morning. Usually, doing something nice for other's, or giving them a nice comment helps- but nothing could put me at ease this morning. Believe me, I tried. I hate feeling this frustrated and whiny!

When I got to the gym and turned the TV on, a rerun of this AMAZING Documentary came on! One of my main interests is International Relations, Human Rights and anything to do with Africa, the Middle East, discrimination, suffering, inequality etc. I cannot stand knowing that people are suffering. Anyways, as an answer to my prayers, this documentary on Doc Zone called 'In The Cross Fire" about Louise Arbour (She is the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights) came on and although it didn't help my depressed mood, it certainly solidified the knowledge of how GOOD WE HAVE IT! It reinforced my belief that I am stupid lucky and am so grateful for how good I have it. Let me tell you- I know NOTHING of suffering (although it's all relative!) compared with the amazing people who survived the Genocide, who live in fear DAILY, compared to the Lost Boys of Sudan , the people of Darfur. You want to know what resiliance is?! Learn about what they are going through.

Anyways, I was so tired today that I literally stopped walking in Costco because I couldn't even move or keep my eyes open. My friend was really supportive today, and I actually had a really pleasant day!


Here are some groceries from the day:

 New brand of radishes! Hopefully these will stay fresher longer than the brand Wholesale used to sell! This is my weekly case of 14 packs or radishes (455g)

6 bags of Dole Chopped Romaine (907g), 1 bag of Dole Coleslaw, 1 small bag of Fresh Express 454g Coleslaw, 2 bag fulls of bulk Jumbo White Mushrooms, 5 1.2kg bags of Celery, 1.9L jug of Salsa, President's Choice Diet Lemonade,

Cucumbers, 2 more packs of celery, 4L jug of Sunspun Mustard.

I have to regress and rant a bit here: Leaving the gym, the security guard (whom I always talk to and love) started lecturing ME on amino acids and totally saying things that weren't true. I am a nutritionist and supplement consultant. I was so irritable and it GOT UNDER MY SKIN. I actually raised my voice and said 'THIS IS WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING and NO they DO NOT do that, don't tell me what to do' (yes I am three yrs old again). I know this is overreacting. I am fully aware of this. But I already am feeling low, and this makes me feel worse (that he doesn't take me seriously/respect me/ and I feel like I'm not validated and have to prove myself). I hate when people tell me things I know (not events, but try to 'educate' me). I find it so UNDERMINING. Again, just irritable, raw, sensitive and exhausted today. Uncertainty makes me feel so insecure; it's my problem not anyone elses'. Feeling loads better now. I need a good night sleep and hopefully my brain can function again tomorrow!

I am having my nightly dessert of a pack of GG Scandinavian Bran Crispbread, Protishake/ice cream (Vanilla Protilife Shake) , tons of Davinci SF Syrup (German Chocolate Cake, French Vanilla and Caramel), Walden Farms Pancake Syrup, Walden Farms Blueberry Syrup and Walden Farms Apricot Jam.

 

 Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things. --Frank A. Clark