Grocery, tantrums and tearful workouts..

I woke up beyond cranky today. You know the type of mind numbing-overwhelmed exhaustion that overwhelms you and pushes you past your breaking point? I may have burst into tears about 3x before 9am. I am so tired. Mentally, emotionally: I feel like I have nothing more to give. Apparently, this is not the case as physically (though being more sore and tight in the hips/legs and shoulders than I've been in a long time), I pounded out a pretty decent workout this morning, given my current state. I make a teething, sleep deprived, sugar crashing 2 year old look like Buddah.

 I also MAY have burst into tears when the trainer at the gym mentioned that I looked tired. I did apologize in advance to EVERYONE- I said "I'm sorry-I'm a mess. I'm beyond drained, anxious and I am just exhausted and irritable; I really need to sleep and rest'. Of course the mind always makes things worse, but this constant stress, uncertainty and anxiety is killing me. I worry 24/7. I AM SO FRAZZLED! I feel like I am running a 'mental marathon' every single day. Just worrying, running...

She said 'You should go lie down, get some sleep' to which I tearfully replied 'Don't you think I know that!!?? I would if I could. I can't. I'm too tired'. lol. I wasn't sobbing, or actually crying. Just that overwhelmed, frustrated, tears falling from eyes type of release/hysteria. I kept telling myself 'quit whining- you're just tired and overwhelmed. You are blessed and have every reason to be happy- you're okay" all morning. Usually, doing something nice for other's, or giving them a nice comment helps- but nothing could put me at ease this morning. Believe me, I tried. I hate feeling this frustrated and whiny!

When I got to the gym and turned the TV on, a rerun of this AMAZING Documentary came on! One of my main interests is International Relations, Human Rights and anything to do with Africa, the Middle East, discrimination, suffering, inequality etc. I cannot stand knowing that people are suffering. Anyways, as an answer to my prayers, this documentary on Doc Zone called 'In The Cross Fire" about Louise Arbour (She is the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights) came on and although it didn't help my depressed mood, it certainly solidified the knowledge of how GOOD WE HAVE IT! It reinforced my belief that I am stupid lucky and am so grateful for how good I have it. Let me tell you- I know NOTHING of suffering (although it's all relative!) compared with the amazing people who survived the Genocide, who live in fear DAILY, compared to the Lost Boys of Sudan , the people of Darfur. You want to know what resiliance is?! Learn about what they are going through.

Anyways, I was so tired today that I literally stopped walking in Costco because I couldn't even move or keep my eyes open. My friend was really supportive today, and I actually had a really pleasant day!


Here are some groceries from the day:

 New brand of radishes! Hopefully these will stay fresher longer than the brand Wholesale used to sell! This is my weekly case of 14 packs or radishes (455g)

6 bags of Dole Chopped Romaine (907g), 1 bag of Dole Coleslaw, 1 small bag of Fresh Express 454g Coleslaw, 2 bag fulls of bulk Jumbo White Mushrooms, 5 1.2kg bags of Celery, 1.9L jug of Salsa, President's Choice Diet Lemonade,

Cucumbers, 2 more packs of celery, 4L jug of Sunspun Mustard.

I have to regress and rant a bit here: Leaving the gym, the security guard (whom I always talk to and love) started lecturing ME on amino acids and totally saying things that weren't true. I am a nutritionist and supplement consultant. I was so irritable and it GOT UNDER MY SKIN. I actually raised my voice and said 'THIS IS WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING and NO they DO NOT do that, don't tell me what to do' (yes I am three yrs old again). I know this is overreacting. I am fully aware of this. But I already am feeling low, and this makes me feel worse (that he doesn't take me seriously/respect me/ and I feel like I'm not validated and have to prove myself). I hate when people tell me things I know (not events, but try to 'educate' me). I find it so UNDERMINING. Again, just irritable, raw, sensitive and exhausted today. Uncertainty makes me feel so insecure; it's my problem not anyone elses'. Feeling loads better now. I need a good night sleep and hopefully my brain can function again tomorrow!

I am having my nightly dessert of a pack of GG Scandinavian Bran Crispbread, Protishake/ice cream (Vanilla Protilife Shake) , tons of Davinci SF Syrup (German Chocolate Cake, French Vanilla and Caramel), Walden Farms Pancake Syrup, Walden Farms Blueberry Syrup and Walden Farms Apricot Jam.

 

 Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things. --Frank A. Clark

Battles with my Refrigerator

For the past 2+ months my fridge has been FREEZING EVERYTHING. And I mean Everything! Bags of Romaine- frozen and spoiled. Cucumbers, celery, tomatoes, cauliflower, green onions, mushrooms etc. You guys know I live off of produce and my fridge is loaded to the max with fresh veggies. I have had to throw away $100's of dollars worth of  produce- even trying to encorporate the once frozen and now thawing and slimy lettuce and veggies etc into my meals. Trust me- I hate wasting. If I can scrape it, cut around it etc, I will.

I have been fiddling with the temperature control, setting the dial lower and lower to see if it would help. I have been googling possible options until 3 am. I was afraid the compressor was broken etc. My apartment fridge is beyond ancient. Like 1980s ancient. I thought my freezer was screwing it up, I had too much in it etc.
I finally got fed up because my temp dial doesn't say anything, other that 1-8 and MAX. I googled myself to death and got conflicting answers as to my temperature dial. Most were 1-warmest 8-coldest. MAX obviously the coldest. Others explained that the numbers correspond to the degrees.

Well- I finally realized that 1 is the COLDEST and 8 is the WARMER setting. Why would they put MAX as the MAX HEAT? It is a refrigerator- it is supposed to refrigerate (ie COOL) things! Max should be COLDEST.

I need to figure it all out, because I have an over abundance of soggy, thawing, rotting veggies in my fridge now.

Yesterday I got the book 'LET THE GREAT WORLD SPIN' by Colum McCann and Friday I got as a gift 'The Shadow Effect".

I realize that this post isn't really health/food related, but I just wanted to type something. I think I am becoming depressed again- this is something that I have struggled with my whole life. The sun is OUT and it is beyond gorgeous outside. I mean post card weather gorgeous. Sunny, bright, warm...

I feel lost and stuck and low and sad. Anxious and overwhelmed.

I must change my thought pattern because this is not good.

Please keep me in your thoughts!

I hit up the gym for my daily 54min cardio and watched the Food Network's "I Do: Let's Eat" and the beginning of "Ultimate Recipe Showdown". I technically didn't 'watch' but stared at the screen at times. I love Ultimate Recipe Showdown! I don't have the Food Network at home, but if I did I would never leave my apartment! I should come later to the gym on Sunday's so I can watch the entire epidose!

I am currently munching on celery sticks (a whole Costco sized pack 2.5lbs)

Copious amounts of mushrooms etc dipped into mustard and making a FIBER PROTEIN PUDDING MESS!

-Fibersmart

-Allmax Isoflex Vanilla Protein

-Sweet and Low

-Davinci Sugar Free B-52 syrup.

I'm most likely going to end up microwaving some with baking soda.

Heavy day and Cookie Batter with Egg cake

Wow- this morning started heavy! Mother's Day is so hard for me. I am 'estranged' from my mom, and our relationship has always been strained. I have let it estrange me and my dad now too. I am constantly looking for a mother figure- someone to relate and bond with. I know NOW that her anger, aloofness, cold demeanor and controlling invasive behaviour were a mask for her own anxieties, insecurities, fears, hurts etc. I YEARN for her so much. She never tries to relate to me or make the effort to suggest we get together. It is so uncomfortable now. I started off the morning with my pill stack, Xenergy and writing her a tomb of a letter of all the things I love about her and favorite memories. Of course, as soon as I sent it, I thought of a million other memories. Bitter sweet. I called her when I got home from the gym- she said it made her cry! That was a hard conversation. But I'm jumping ahead, and don't want to get into personal family stuff!

So I don't know if my stomach was upset, or the combo of the Xenergy/pills upset me today, but I felt SO NAUSEOUS! Dizzy, heat, nauseous. I tried to throw up but couldn't. Went to the gym and had a decent workout-  reflecting on my mom, memories and taking notes on things I want to tell her (about how I see her now, how she masked her insecurities and how alone she must have felt when her and my dad moved here alone- how I have gained an understanding of her etc) and I also listened to Jordan Spark's 'Battlefield' and Chris Brown's 'Women Lie' (love this song) while staring at the BULLET EXPRESS infomercial!! LOVE it!

Called my mom when I got home and made my lunch:

- 125g egg whites

-psyllium

-sweet and low/cinnamon

- Isoflex Allmax Vanilla Isolate Protein

- 27g Fiber Smart

- Davinci Sugar Free Syrups German Chocolate Cake and Coconut

-cinnamon, sweet and low:

AND

- 869g Celery (I added more after picture)

-350g Cauliflower (microwaved to death with soy sauce)

-300g Mushrooms

- French's Bold'n'Spicy mustard

-Walden Farms Asian Dressing

With Walden Farms Dressing:

I forgot to mention yesterday I hit up my usual Grocery haunts

(Superstore, Walmart, Costco Safeway).

Checkout my Mushrooms!

This is about 1/16 (not kidding) of my groceries. The rest were in FOURTEEN 14 BAGS