Heavy day and Cookie Batter with Egg cake

Wow- this morning started heavy! Mother's Day is so hard for me. I am 'estranged' from my mom, and our relationship has always been strained. I have let it estrange me and my dad now too. I am constantly looking for a mother figure- someone to relate and bond with. I know NOW that her anger, aloofness, cold demeanor and controlling invasive behaviour were a mask for her own anxieties, insecurities, fears, hurts etc. I YEARN for her so much. She never tries to relate to me or make the effort to suggest we get together. It is so uncomfortable now. I started off the morning with my pill stack, Xenergy and writing her a tomb of a letter of all the things I love about her and favorite memories. Of course, as soon as I sent it, I thought of a million other memories. Bitter sweet. I called her when I got home from the gym- she said it made her cry! That was a hard conversation. But I'm jumping ahead, and don't want to get into personal family stuff!

So I don't know if my stomach was upset, or the combo of the Xenergy/pills upset me today, but I felt SO NAUSEOUS! Dizzy, heat, nauseous. I tried to throw up but couldn't. Went to the gym and had a decent workout-  reflecting on my mom, memories and taking notes on things I want to tell her (about how I see her now, how she masked her insecurities and how alone she must have felt when her and my dad moved here alone- how I have gained an understanding of her etc) and I also listened to Jordan Spark's 'Battlefield' and Chris Brown's 'Women Lie' (love this song) while staring at the BULLET EXPRESS infomercial!! LOVE it!

Called my mom when I got home and made my lunch:

- 125g egg whites

-psyllium

-sweet and low/cinnamon

- Isoflex Allmax Vanilla Isolate Protein

- 27g Fiber Smart

- Davinci Sugar Free Syrups German Chocolate Cake and Coconut

-cinnamon, sweet and low:

AND

- 869g Celery (I added more after picture)

-350g Cauliflower (microwaved to death with soy sauce)

-300g Mushrooms

- French's Bold'n'Spicy mustard

-Walden Farms Asian Dressing

With Walden Farms Dressing:

I forgot to mention yesterday I hit up my usual Grocery haunts

(Superstore, Walmart, Costco Safeway).

Checkout my Mushrooms!

This is about 1/16 (not kidding) of my groceries. The rest were in FOURTEEN 14 BAGS

Cookie Dough and a Prayer please

I try to be as open and honest on this blog as I can. I often feel to overwhelmed to type out my feelings after dealing with them all day. I have mentioned that I have a strained relationship with my family, and it BREAKS MY HEART. We are so distant now, that listening to voice messages from them causes me to cry. I don't talk to my baby sister as much due to anxiety. My family is the most important thing to me- which is why they have such an impact on me emotionally.  I don't like to bring 'their' stuff up in this blog, but I need to ask you guys for help. My dad IS NOT doing well, and I am so worried that I am literally in tears right now and can hardly breathe. He got laid off from his job after 27+ years and is so discouraged and depressed, that it is breaking my heart. He has lost his sense of value, self, his identity, confidence etc. You should hear him on the phone. He sounds so DEAD. I wish I could do more. He has been applying for jobs non stop- and nothing. He feels like he has been thrown away. This man is the most important person in my life. I have no words to express my love. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. My sister is graduating high school, my mom is sick and frustrated, my dad is frustrated and discouraged and lost. They are hurting so much. I so want him to find a job. It would do so much in restoring his sense of SELF respect/confidence and identity. He feels WORTHLESS and that is the worst feeling in the world. Please, from the bottom of my heart- pray for him, my family, and for me as well.

On to this mornings amazing 'COOKIE DOUGH' Batter!

You can adjust the amounts and use a lot more. Unfortunately as I was scooping/weighing (or whey-ing ha ha) this in front of my gym locker at the gym, the snooty ladies walked in so I stopped and packed up- other wise I would have had more.

- 15g Isoflex Vanilla Isolate (by Allmax)- I wanted to grab 1-1.5scoops but they walked in.
- 24g Fiber Smart (Renew Life)
- 2 packets of Sweet and Low
- Davinci Gourmet Sugar Free Coconut Syrup (as much as you want- this is all I used for the liquid. Add more as the Fiber Smart swells)

STIR and let thicken:

Internal Compass and Musings

I've always been a sensitive person. As a child, my parent's friends called me 'worry wort' and I always took on others' hurt and burdens, and felt them so deeply that I can still remember the exact event as though it were yesterday. I always looked to my mom to know what kind of day it would be, and how my day would go. She ruled the family with her moods. I was raised too dependant on other people's feelings, versus being allowed to have my own. To this day, I feel I need to justify everything-and I mean EVERYTHING- I do/say/believe in. I need validation, acceptance, and a sense of belonging and unconditional love.
In short, I am the bottom rung of Maslow's hierarchy on needs.

I am constantly thinking about my family- if they would like something I saw, what they would think about a certain object/thought. I spend most of my energy thinking about them, doing things for them, researching things for them.... and I'm sort of okay with this.

It's gotten me thinking about where I would be in life had I focused on what I WANT/LIKE etc. What kind of person would I be. My identity is so enmeshed with them. I have obviously made leaps and bounds these past few years, especially since the JUNE blowout with my dad. No phone calls, contact etc. I needed a 'detox' of sorts.

What kind of person am I WITHOUT them. WHO am I without them. How do I see myself? What kind of family do I want to create? An unconditionally loving environment. I want my kids to know that NO MATTER what, they are loved for WHOM they are. Inner strength, a strong sense of morals/values and identity, compassion, self love and respect, integrity, a sense of acceptance, belonging, safety and security.
In short, I want to be that safe place they fall. The one place they can be themselves, and not ever worry about judgement and reproach. I want them to know that at the end of the day...
You are loved!

What about you guys? Any specifics you would do differently? What are your hopes and ambitions regarding family? What kind of parents do you want to be, and what do you want to teach your kids? What are the biggest lessons you've learned about yourself, and who you are?

What do you wish you knew when you were younger, and what would you tell your self?
I would tell myself that it will be okay, it's not that big of a deal, and to stress less and ENJOY myself more. To live.
B