Sunday, February 28, 2010

Internal Compass and Musings

I've always been a sensitive person. As a child, my parent's friends called me 'worry wort' and I always took on others' hurt and burdens, and felt them so deeply that I can still remember the exact event as though it were yesterday. I always looked to my mom to know what kind of day it would be, and how my day would go. She ruled the family with her moods. I was raised too dependant on other people's feelings, versus being allowed to have my own. To this day, I feel I need to justify everything-and I mean EVERYTHING- I do/say/believe in. I need validation, acceptance, and a sense of belonging and unconditional love.
In short, I am the bottom rung of Maslow's hierarchy on needs.

I am constantly thinking about my family- if they would like something I saw, what they would think about a certain object/thought. I spend most of my energy thinking about them, doing things for them, researching things for them.... and I'm sort of okay with this.

It's gotten me thinking about where I would be in life had I focused on what I WANT/LIKE etc. What kind of person would I be. My identity is so enmeshed with them. I have obviously made leaps and bounds these past few years, especially since the JUNE blowout with my dad. No phone calls, contact etc. I needed a 'detox' of sorts.

What kind of person am I WITHOUT them. WHO am I without them. How do I see myself? What kind of family do I want to create? An unconditionally loving environment. I want my kids to know that NO MATTER what, they are loved for WHOM they are. Inner strength, a strong sense of morals/values and identity, compassion, self love and respect, integrity, a sense of acceptance, belonging, safety and security.
In short, I want to be that safe place they fall. The one place they can be themselves, and not ever worry about judgement and reproach. I want them to know that at the end of the day...
You are loved!

What about you guys? Any specifics you would do differently? What are your hopes and ambitions regarding family? What kind of parents do you want to be, and what do you want to teach your kids? What are the biggest lessons you've learned about yourself, and who you are?

What do you wish you knew when you were younger, and what would you tell your self?
I would tell myself that it will be okay, it's not that big of a deal, and to stress less and ENJOY myself more. To live.

Saturday, February 27, 2010


This really struck a chord with me (especially point 1) so I decided to post it here, since it may resonate with someone. It is by Mark Robbins. I didn't post the previous pages-just the 3 points.

3 Ways to Speak Your Truth

How do we enhance and deepen our capacity to speak our truth with kindness, love and authenticity? There are lots of things we can do to accomplish this. Here are three to think about:

-Stop managing other people's feelings. I know this one well, as I can be the king of trying to manage other people's feelings. It's arrogant, manipulative and somewhat ridiculous to think we have the power to manage other people's emotions. We also use it as a cop-out to not really speak our truth. We can be aware and mindful of other people and how they might feel (so we don't end up being mean and hurtful on purpose), but when we let go of taking care of others in a condescending way, it frees us and them up to be grown-ups and have adult conversations, which sometimes can get a little sticky or tense when we're speaking our truth.

-Be real, not right. This is huge when it comes to speaking our truth. When we focus on winning or being right, we no longer can access the deepest places within our heart, which is where our real truth comes from. When we let go of our attachment to the outcome of a conversation, what the other person thinks and our erroneous obsession with always having to be right, we give ourselves the opportunity to get real. Being vulnerable and transparent are the key elements of speaking our truth, not dominating the conversation and the person (or people) we're talking to.

-Practice. Like anything and everything else in life, the best way for us to get better, deepen our capacity and grow is to practice. In this case, as we're talking about speaking our truth, it's not about role-playing per se (although if that helps give you the courage to have a difficult conversation, go for it). It is about speaking up and stepping into your life with your truth. Will you mess it up? Of course! Will you say the wrong things sometimes? Yes. Will people get upset, offended or defensive at times? Absolutely. This is not about being perfect, it is about being yourself and speaking authentically.

Have empathy and compassion with yourself as you practice—this is not easy for most of us. Even for those of us who have really worked to expand our capacity to speak our truth and have had many experiences of doing it in a powerful way, remember that each situation is always new and different. And, in certain areas of life (or with specific people), speaking up can be incredibly scary and challenging for us. Even if your legs shake, your voice quivers or your heart races (all of which usually happen when we get real and vulnerable), take a deep breath, dig down for the courage you have within you and be willing to speak your truth. When we do this, we can watch our relationships and lives literally transform.



Yesterday was a bad day. Stress ate. Got more and more sick (sinus/congested chest/ head hold/fever).
I got picked up by my weekend friend to run and grab the Emergen C electrolyte mix packets at Community Health Food store.
Ladies, I had a food fiber baby in a MAJOR way. So embarrassing. I look haggard. He decides we should go to the one farthest away (which was fine- it was en route to our fave Superstore, and the Wholesale Warehouse where I stock pile on radishes). Well MAJOR FAIL. They are back-ordered. Of course they are! My favorite Enzymes were also back ordered (Future Formulations Forte) so I grabbed their high fiber enzymes instead (LOVE THIS COMPANY).

It's become a running joke, that everything I like or use will be discontinued, back ordered, out of stock etc. Not kidding. PGX, Holy Basil Tea, 4Energy, Slimquick Extreme (both old and new version), Cytolean (old version), CMI REDCELL....all discontinued. Even Superstore was out of tomato's, mushrooms, pickles and MUSTARD! wtf?

Anyways, I was feeling bloody sick so we decided to leave Community, hit up Superstore, Wholesale Superstore, and then the Community right by my place....

WELL, as we are leaving the parking lot, I see a man walking towards me... IT IS MY DAD! I nearly DIED. Of all the days to let him see me.... I nearly cried. I have a strained relationship with him. It hurts and it is very hard. He constantly says "you're sick, get help, you are in denial, No you are NOT happy and better, you are denying the truth again etc etc.". I looked like a terminally ill person. PASTY white, dark circles, WHITE chapped lips, swollen eyes etc. OMG. It was horrible. I was so upset. I miss him, but I want to be radiant when I see him, not sickly! Of course he uses that to fuel his argument "look at you, you are not taking care of yourself, you are too thin, you need help" etc etc'

Superstore wasn't as fun after that: because they were also out of my PROTILIFE Chocolate Shake mix and Jamieson Electrolyte C packets, and the brand of flu/cold medication I wanted! How random is that?! At least they had Rezistex! These are AMAZING! Grapefruit is so good! Electrolytes, Amino's etc.
I left (after crouching for 30min-no jokes-I'm a label reader/comparing ingredients and cost) with Buckley's Complete Day and Night. I just wanted to knock myself out and sleep.

I got my Natural Value Brown mustard, my packets and some water at Community, and headed home. My meds did not kick in, and my eyes were running like crazy. I also wasn't groggy (I took the PM ones @ 5). I ended up taking 4 PM tabs, and finally slept!
I am off to the gym for a workout (Sunday is the LAST day of the Challenge!) and then errands! I will update my Saturday later!
Love B

Friday, February 26, 2010



Where have I been?
Well, busy working on that one clients meal plan, working my butt off at work, working on my Olympic challenge, and fighting off this ridiculous flu that's been going around.

I had to keep postponing my client, because I didn't have his plan finished, my printer wouldn't print without jamming (as in I tried for 2hrs), I couldn't export the documents I had on my friends borrowed laptop to my computer etc. My client doesn't have a printer....

Wednesday I was feeling horrible. My manager had been off for 2 days with a 100degree fever. I could barely walk on Wednesday- but I stayed my whole shift! I got my temp taken and it was 39.4d Celsius, so about 103.5F. Tuesday I ran down IN TEARS- to my apartment office, to ask if I could use their printer. They acquiesced! So I got some stuff printed, which gave me confidence. Wednesday was a different story. Computer crash, I couldn't connect to the Internet to send myself the files from the laptop to my hotmail. I unplugged my modem from the computer, plugged it into the laptop and NOTHING. Keep in mind the office closes at 6pm. It was past 5 at this point. I insert a flash card and NOTHING. My cell phone battery is dying, I am calling my IT computer dad in panic and the line is busy. I text my friend (who lent me the laptop and does IT) but he doesn't respond. I try to print things out on the mini printer he lent me Monday- it won't load, won't print and my computer won't recognize it. I finally get the flash drive to work, replug the internet modem into my computer and get ready to work. The internet CRASHES. At this point, for no apparent reason, my PRINTER crashes! I have a fever, I am dizzy, shaky, with a pounding headache- nothing is done and it is 5:52pm. I finally fix the net, hotmail myself some documents (NO EDITING) and send them. I run downstairs at 6:02 and luckily get it done.
I stayed up all Wed night in a fevered dizzy state editing the papers (I do better editing actual hard copies vs computer) and feel good.

Thursday morning I am SICK. I debate not going to the gym, but go and have a surprisingly nice workout. I get to work re-editing, etc and go downstairs to do the final print in the office. The guy that let me print is not there! I get it done, and ladies..the RELIEF.

He is a scary client- questions everything. He said I left him speechless (there were 2 folders full- about 12 different meal plans, and then a whole 12pg folder with breakfast recipes, 8 of dinner, 4 lunch, snacks etc). We met for 1.5+hrs.

FFWD to now- 6:58am Friday morning. MY throat has white coating on it, my head feels like a vice is crushing it, my fever is back with a vengeance and I feel like death. I also feel like crying (that's the fever talking) and I can't take a sick day because my manager is off today volunteering at his sons school. I am there with the annoying co-worker @ 9:30am. Then the coworker I love isn't in until 5pm and you can't leave someone alone during the lunch rush. Plus I need money. I don't want to go to the gym, but I will....

Sorry for the rant, happy posts that are coherent are to follow!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Grateful Fridays

Do any of your have a constant 'Blogger' narrative going through your head on a constant basis? I do. Everything that happens, I always think about blogging it in my head. Then I get home way to exhausted! lol

I have decided that every Friday I'm going to write about things I was grateful for this week.

I have been feeling more and more exhausted in the mornings, and hitting up the gym later and later... so not like me.

I signed up for the Olympic Challenge @ my gym, and am set on winning it. With my lack of sleep and stress control (2 of the components you must fulfill), I don't know what my chances are.

I am currently drinking my peach mango Xenergy, slamming back my morning energy concoction and really wanting to get off my ass before I fall asleep at the computer.

I work with the co-worker I LOVE today. It's bittersweet, because she found another job and won't be working with me anymore (just some evenings to help out). There are going to be 4 of us!!! WTF!? But, I am GRATEFUL and really excited to see her! Plus my crazy lawyer friend might be stopping by to pick up some protein today, and I haven't hung out with him in months! He is so busy with a case that starts in March (I'm going to go watch!).

Monday, February 15, 2010

I have had a ROUGH night. I stayed up too late, couldn't sleep, woke up at 5:50am (it's Family Day today-civic holiday; no work/school and gym has weekend hrs) feeling sore, weak, tired, but anxious. I ate a bag of radishes with the BEST mustard EVER! It's from Natural Value and it is their Organic Whole Grain Stone Ground brown mustard!

Seriously- it tastes amazing. I make it into a 'honey mustard' by adding sweetener. If you want a more apple ciderish one, Eden makes a GREAT apple cider vinegar spiked brown mustard. However, I discovered a NEW apple cider vinegar one when I couldn't find the Eden brand. It is incredible! I didn't like the dominant apple cider taste in the Eden one at first- but it grows on you! I can't find a website for the new mustard but it's called LIFE SOURCE prepared Organic Stoneground Mustard. IT is wheat and gluten free. It is distributed by LifeMax Natural Foods (they have NO website). I did find a picture of their DIJON mustard on a Canadian Favorite site. The Stoneground has a lovely green label. Check it out HERE!

I think the caffeine and thermogenics are slowly kicking in and I need to hit the gym. I will update later!

ps-I can't believe I dedicated an entire post to 2 mustard's! SO not where I thought this would be headed!
pps-ANYONE tried coconut vinegar????

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Chinese New Years and Valentine's!

To all the BEAUTIFUL dedicated bloggers who have touched my life in ways I did not think were possible: THANK YOU and HAPPY NEW YEARS CUM VALENTINES DAY! I am focusing on learning to LOVE myself today.

Every one of your emails, comments etc is SO appreciated! I can't even tell you what a difference it makes psychologically.

Today I am hitting up 'T&T's' in the Pacific Place Mall because where else would one want to be on Chinese New Year???! It will be crazy MAYHEM! Also groceries as per usual.
Update later, running late for gym (again grrr)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

AHHH Late again (Britney Spears song title in mind)

Question: Anyone have mornings when you can't get up? Even if you go to bed on time? I always used to get up 5:40am-6am MAX, without an alarm. Now I am sleeping in all the time- not restful sleep. Yes, I am taking Gravol on a nightly basis, but I've been doing that for a while. I also have crazy vivid, realistic dreams!? It is 7:20am and I haven't even left for the gym yet. I think it's that I'm emotionally and psychologically drained. I will update later...I'm trying to slam back my morning mini pharmacy (aka pre gym energy supplements) with a CranRazz Xenergy as I type this. Yes, I am that multi-talented...I can multi task! ha ha.

I am NOT scheduled for work tomorrow and I am NOT pleased. 4 day weekends- but I NEED the money. Seriously. He shaved off 10hrs from my weekly schedule to accommodate the co-worker I like coming back from her vacation. I love her, but if impacts me so much. He also took off 1hr from EACH day he scheduled me! I say he owes me a good $100 plus $70ish and $24 as well. GRRRR
Thank you to everyone for your support!
Thank you Sophia! You always leave such nice comments, and it makes a world of difference!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

It's been so long!

Good Morning Bloggies!
I am sorry for the absence. I kept meaning to write everyday (even forming my sentences/posts while on the elliptical etc) but never got around to actually writing it for several reasons.
1.These past few weeks have been periods of immense HIGHS and killer crushing LOWS.. My energy truly is zapped.
2. I follow so many blogs that I have been days behind on reading them (sorry for the belated/delayed responses on many of your comments). I feel as though I cannot blog until I have read every ones posts. I realized this morning, that that is ridiculous!

I got 3 new clients. I have been so stressed writing, and re-writing meal plans, grocery lists, supplements, and recipes...I truly wanted to give up.

I was so tired a few weeks ago that I actually didn't go to the gym in the morning! Instead I typed up recipes and plans because I was meeting my client @ 4pm that day. I was SO proud of myself! After work, I thought SCREW IT and went to the gym anyways! I rarely break out of habit, and it felt so good to not freak out, and adapt to the circumstances. I'm glad that I'm breaking my all or nothing mentality.

The BAD:
Work.... I can't even get into it now. I was WRITTEN UP because someones' debit card didn't go through, and I didn't notice and let her walk out with her purchase. I immediately tracked her # down, called her and she came back. Had I not told my manager, and just tracked her down, he would never know.

Irritating co-worker, got the job of assistant manager.... I TRULY can't even think about it. STRESS. My manager has been being truly an asshole- using me as a punching bag. My computer wouldn't save any of my recipe/meal plans/supplement lists in the correct form- meaning my client couldn't open ANYTHING. Luckily, I reformatted, download software etc. I tried to print out some stuff @ the Sugarfree place for a client, but it wouldn't print...AGH.

Today I slept in AGAIN. I am trying to not stress, and planning to hit up the gym after work...
I have so much to tell you, and so many hilarious pictures to show you...
Thanks for the understanding!
Love you all!

Monday, February 1, 2010

SORRY for long absence!

I will be back with a recap of sorts, pictures a plenty etc. Things hae been crazy. Not neecessarily good or terrible. Highs and lows. Thank you so much to all the wonderful bloggies that left me comments, sent me messages etc. I read everyone's blog daily. Just have no energy to upload pictures and form cohesive sentences! lol
Love everyone of you, and you have all become tuly a part of my daily life. Thank you for the support!!!!