Sunday, May 9, 2010

Heavy day and Cookie Batter with Egg cake

Wow- this morning started heavy! Mother's Day is so hard for me. I am 'estranged' from my mom, and our relationship has always been strained. I have let it estrange me and my dad now too. I am constantly looking for a mother figure- someone to relate and bond with. I know NOW that her anger, aloofness, cold demeanor and controlling invasive behaviour were a mask for her own anxieties, insecurities, fears, hurts etc. I YEARN for her so much. She never tries to relate to me or make the effort to suggest we get together. It is so uncomfortable now. I started off the morning with my pill stack, Xenergy and writing her a tomb of a letter of all the things I love about her and favorite memories. Of course, as soon as I sent it, I thought of a million other memories. Bitter sweet. I called her when I got home from the gym- she said it made her cry! That was a hard conversation. But I'm jumping ahead, and don't want to get into personal family stuff!

So I don't know if my stomach was upset, or the combo of the Xenergy/pills upset me today, but I felt SO NAUSEOUS! Dizzy, heat, nauseous. I tried to throw up but couldn't. Went to the gym and had a decent workout-  reflecting on my mom, memories and taking notes on things I want to tell her (about how I see her now, how she masked her insecurities and how alone she must have felt when her and my dad moved here alone- how I have gained an understanding of her etc) and I also listened to Jordan Spark's 'Battlefield' and Chris Brown's 'Women Lie' (love this song) while staring at the BULLET EXPRESS infomercial!! LOVE it!

Called my mom when I got home and made my lunch:
- 125g egg whites
-sweet and low/cinnamon

- Isoflex Allmax Vanilla Isolate Protein
-cinnamon, sweet and low:

- 869g Celery (I added more after picture)
-350g Cauliflower (microwaved to death with soy sauce)
-300g Mushrooms
I forgot to mention yesterday I hit up my usual Grocery haunts
(Superstore, Walmart, Costco Safeway).
Checkout my Mushrooms!
This is about 1/16 (not kidding) of my groceries. The rest were in FOURTEEN 14 BAGS

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for visiting my blog! I use a Casio Exilim 8.1 mega pixels. I'm not really a camera buff, but a friend had this kind and liked it, and it fell in the right price category for me so I chose a pink one about a year and a half ago :)

    I'm sorry you had such an emotional day, but I think it's always good to express your feelings! I hope your evening is relaxing and peaceful.