Sunday, February 28, 2010

Internal Compass and Musings

I've always been a sensitive person. As a child, my parent's friends called me 'worry wort' and I always took on others' hurt and burdens, and felt them so deeply that I can still remember the exact event as though it were yesterday. I always looked to my mom to know what kind of day it would be, and how my day would go. She ruled the family with her moods. I was raised too dependant on other people's feelings, versus being allowed to have my own. To this day, I feel I need to justify everything-and I mean EVERYTHING- I do/say/believe in. I need validation, acceptance, and a sense of belonging and unconditional love.
In short, I am the bottom rung of Maslow's hierarchy on needs.

I am constantly thinking about my family- if they would like something I saw, what they would think about a certain object/thought. I spend most of my energy thinking about them, doing things for them, researching things for them.... and I'm sort of okay with this.

It's gotten me thinking about where I would be in life had I focused on what I WANT/LIKE etc. What kind of person would I be. My identity is so enmeshed with them. I have obviously made leaps and bounds these past few years, especially since the JUNE blowout with my dad. No phone calls, contact etc. I needed a 'detox' of sorts.

What kind of person am I WITHOUT them. WHO am I without them. How do I see myself? What kind of family do I want to create? An unconditionally loving environment. I want my kids to know that NO MATTER what, they are loved for WHOM they are. Inner strength, a strong sense of morals/values and identity, compassion, self love and respect, integrity, a sense of acceptance, belonging, safety and security.
In short, I want to be that safe place they fall. The one place they can be themselves, and not ever worry about judgement and reproach. I want them to know that at the end of the day...
You are loved!

What about you guys? Any specifics you would do differently? What are your hopes and ambitions regarding family? What kind of parents do you want to be, and what do you want to teach your kids? What are the biggest lessons you've learned about yourself, and who you are?

What do you wish you knew when you were younger, and what would you tell your self?
I would tell myself that it will be okay, it's not that big of a deal, and to stress less and ENJOY myself more. To live.

1 comment:

  1. Hi there, just found your blog via Alyson's comments.
    Just wanted to say that I can relate to you in terms of sensitivity. I am very sensitive to other people's moods and sometimes it can be difficult to deal with. Positive affirmations has helped me a lot over the years. When my hubby is sometimes snappy with me, I understand that he's having a bad day and don't over-analyse it as I would have a couple of years ago.