Sunday

I did go to the gym this morning- despite being anxious and crabby. Heel/ankle hurt a lot this morning! I did 54min=523cal/5.53m. I showered, measured out my RENEW LIFE FIBERSMART (24g) and headed home. I mixed it with Davinci sugar free German Chocolate Cake, and of course Walden Farm's Pancake Syrup, cinnamon and Sweet'n'Low sweetener. SO GOOD!

I then got picked up by a friend and had a surprisingly decent time. I got tons of product (more Dole Romaine Lettuce, 4 more broccoli slaws, 10 more radish bags, tomatoes, peppers, coleslaw*2, 16 canned wax bean cans, cauliflower*5, crystal light,a 2 454g packed mushroom saran wrapped containers, and 25 bulk bin picked mushrooms, 10 packs of sf refridgerated jello packs) etc. S got my 'Birthday Salsa' and this calendar I'd been lusting over! He also ordered me a case of my GG Scandinavian Bran Crispbread online! I truly could not get it into my fridge. I took pictures to illustrate my point:





Along side of the fridge door, instead of condiments, I have Xenergy's, condiments and tomatoes where the eggs should be. I usually put my jello cups there instead.

Ready for Spring already! It is COLD

I hit the gym for some cardio this morning (55min 536cal/5.76miles) and grabbed 3 scoops of Renew Life Fiber Smart which I mixed with sf pancake syrup and cinnamon at home *amazing!

I had major trepidation about meeting S, so I delayed until 1. I ended up having a decent time. Got lots of second hand books, including the BIGGEST find- Benazir Bhutto's memoir! I also got about 5 other books, an audio book which I can listen to at night, and a Moonlight CD (classical music that is supposed to be calming). I got The Constant Gardener, Adam Gopnik's Paris To The Moon, The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter, The Shack and Richard Prices CLOCKERS for fun. I usually read heavier books about Africa/Middle East, memoirs etc, but I got all of these plus the cd for $15! My friend also surprised me and bought Dr Suess's The Lorax!

I then went to Community Natural Foods to grab more Amazing Grass Chocolate Superfoods! We then headed to Planet Organic, where S got me more spices (Cape and Herb lemon pepper/lamb, and REDMOND REAL SALT Organic Natural Seasoning Salt (this is amazing-onion,garlic, celery, coriander etc). I also got QUE PASA organic Mexican Salsa!

Unfortunately, at Safeway they still didn't have good stock on the sweet Bell Peppers, and I had been hoping that they would have the AMAZING Spanish ones they had 2 weeks ago. The produce person was just putting out a shipment of smaller ones from Israel, so I grabbed about 5. I feel like I'm a culinary citizen of the world! I got Mexican Red Bell Peppers last week! I also got 5 Green Onions, tons of vine tomatoes, Crystal Light, 2 bags of Mann's broccoli slaw (they were SOLD out), mushrooms a Xenergy, El Molino Salsa, and TWO JOHNNY'S LEMON PEPPER SEASONING! AMAZING!

Last stop was the AWESOME Korean Market near my apartment called Arirang. I got a pack of white miso soup and a pack of 100 sheets of Yaki Nori full size seaweed.

Here is a picture of my fridge (BAD lighting from fridge and cell phone-sorry). The upper right hand side has a cellophane bag full of red peppers, Dole 908g bags of romaine, radishes, grape tomatoes, broccolislaw and zucchini!

You guys have no idea how much I want to run and hide today. Don't want to go to work. Don't want to face life. I'm so scared. Just texted my manager saying I'm embarrassed about yesterday, and if I can have 1 more day to adjust. I am STRUGGLING.
I feel like the seams are unravelling and I am slowly fall apart, thread by thread. I bring a WHOLE new meaning to 'She's come undone'. I think I'm going to test out the Ativan after my workout. I realize it's not THAT big of a deal, but I was addicted to it before. I physically couldn't think about it after; it would make me feel like throwing up. Especially the swallowing part. The pills I had always disintegrated in my mouth and I could taste this chalky, odd powdery taste. I think I'll cut the 1mg in half and start with 0.5mg for now. I just don't want to be popping them like candy, and using them to cope again.

My friend is taking me to TandT's today to grab some shiritaki noodles! I am also leaving for the gym in a few minutes, although I am a nervous wreck. Mostly because of my manager. I looked up to him as a dad type figure, and am always terrified to be rejected and judged by him. It really hurts. I can't let what other people think about me affect me so much. I am NOT what my manager/parents' etc think of me. I hate that I put my 'life' into other people's hands. I hate waiting to see what my manager says- Feeling at THEIR mercy. I hate the waiting. The uncertainty... I wish I could feel like I have purpose again...

I will update with pics after the gym.

Update:
Gym 54minutes:520 calories/ 5.40miles. My ankle is KILLING ME. The acetaminophen I took this a.m did nothing!

I am currently sipping onBija's Holy Basil Tea and eating 5 scoops ofAmazing Grass Chocolate Superfoods' mixed with cinnamon, sweetener, and sf pancake syrup. Thick like brownie batter. SO GOOD!



Excuse the supplement bottles and mess in the background! This tea is very mild and has a distinct herb like taste. Not bad at all!

Had a good day! Saw 9 in the cheap theatre, hit up the Asian T&T's for shiritaki, Superstore for more Romaine, green onions, salsa and diet ginger ale. I also got a night lamp finally, and THREE candy flavored lip chaps (Reese's, mounds, almond joy).I ate 3 Atkinson's peanut butter bars/chick-o-sticks too!

This is my lunch I had post gym (after my 5 scoops chocolate super foods):





My GG Scandinavian Bran Crispbread hot 'cereal':



My fridge (and beautiful bell peppers):


Dinner: