Tuesday, November 3, 2009

You guys have no idea how much I want to run and hide today. Don't want to go to work. Don't want to face life. I'm so scared. Just texted my manager saying I'm embarrassed about yesterday, and if I can have 1 more day to adjust. I am STRUGGLING.
I feel like the seams are unravelling and I am slowly fall apart, thread by thread. I bring a WHOLE new meaning to 'She's come undone'. I think I'm going to test out the Ativan after my workout. I realize it's not THAT big of a deal, but I was addicted to it before. I physically couldn't think about it after; it would make me feel like throwing up. Especially the swallowing part. The pills I had always disintegrated in my mouth and I could taste this chalky, odd powdery taste. I think I'll cut the 1mg in half and start with 0.5mg for now. I just don't want to be popping them like candy, and using them to cope again.

My friend is taking me to TandT's today to grab some shiritaki noodles! I am also leaving for the gym in a few minutes, although I am a nervous wreck. Mostly because of my manager. I looked up to him as a dad type figure, and am always terrified to be rejected and judged by him. It really hurts. I can't let what other people think about me affect me so much. I am NOT what my manager/parents' etc think of me. I hate that I put my 'life' into other people's hands. I hate waiting to see what my manager says- Feeling at THEIR mercy. I hate the waiting. The uncertainty... I wish I could feel like I have purpose again...

I will update with pics after the gym.

Gym 54minutes:520 calories/ 5.40miles. My ankle is KILLING ME. The acetaminophen I took this a.m did nothing!

I am currently sipping onBija's Holy Basil Tea and eating 5 scoops ofAmazing Grass Chocolate Superfoods' mixed with cinnamon, sweetener, and sf pancake syrup. Thick like brownie batter. SO GOOD!

Excuse the supplement bottles and mess in the background! This tea is very mild and has a distinct herb like taste. Not bad at all!

Had a good day! Saw 9 in the cheap theatre, hit up the Asian T&T's for shiritaki, Superstore for more Romaine, green onions, salsa and diet ginger ale. I also got a night lamp finally, and THREE candy flavored lip chaps (Reese's, mounds, almond joy).I ate 3 Atkinson's peanut butter bars/chick-o-sticks too!

This is my lunch I had post gym (after my 5 scoops chocolate super foods):

My GG Scandinavian Bran Crispbread hot 'cereal':

My fridge (and beautiful bell peppers):


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