Saturday, July 18, 2009

Saturday morning quicky.

Good morning! Have you guys ever had a sudden 5am snack attack? I literally woke up and needed to eat. So there I was from 5am-530am dipping lettuce leaves into sugar free blueberry spread (I ate the entire jar). Then I was able to sleep. Weird.

I have been struggling with feelings of self worth, value, independence, self sufficiency, self concept and not feeling loved. Given my current mom/dad estrangement, it's been really tough, knowing what they think of me (that I'm sick, too thin, disordered, need help, not right etc) and trying to ignore it and keep going on with my life. It causes so much stress and anxiety. It's all I think about. I feel like I can't even see myself as I am because I am so afraid of other's judging me, and I view myself through a skewed lens. I am always second guessing myself, and it needs to stop! So this upcoming Tuesday will be 3 weeks of not talking to them (I used to call 3+ times a day). I think I'm going to celebrate. My friend has really been helping me through this, taking me to my blood tests, driving me to all corners of the city looking for grocery stores, and keeping me distracted. I think I would have totally fallen if it weren't for him. Any ADVICE??

I am currently chewing a Fla.-Vor.Ice Lite freezie, and a GG Scandinavian Bran crisp broken into big chunks, doused in sf Maple Pancake Syrup (Sorbee- I'm in love!) and microwaved so it absorbs the syrup and gets all soft and mushy. FABULOUS.
I'm sure the freezie is pretty much toxic dye and aspartame and NOT as tasty as the Mr Freeze sugar free, but a good thing to have! 2 pops have 5 calories, and since I have mindlessly devoured about 35 Mr Freezies A DAY (they are tiny!) these work quite well.

My boss decided to schedule me and I have made it clear I DO NOT work Saturdays. My gym is open from 9-2 today, and I have to BE at work by 9:30am. I told myself that I could use a nice break, but since then (probably as a minor rebellion/ stubborn streak) I have decided to go! Short workout, and I'll just come late. The place doesn't open until 10am and it'll be dead. Then my friend is picking me up and we are either going to a movie, or the comedy club, mystery theatre etc. I want to see Bruno, Harry Potter, FOOD INC (we finally got it!), the brother's bloom, The Hurt Locker etc.

Oh! The rep from Prairie Naturals sent me another 126g MORNING RISE AND SHINE (lemon/aloe/mineral drink). I mix it with my Xenergy (mango guava today). YUMMY. Doesn't mix well, but I like the taste and the lumps, and I love that it's alkalizing!

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