Thursday, April 8, 2010

Morning Ramble.....

Good Morning!
I am still feeling shitty. I will post a bit more about my past and I am sorry if I seem 'closed up', vague or distant with certain issues. It hurts to bring them up, and I always feel the need to OVER explain the situation so people don't interpret my words/situation in the wrong way.
I woke up feeling like ASS (excuse the language) and have that weird stomach feeling. This is due to the medication I took and all the food I ate last night (mindless food stuffing is a side effect-NOT joking). I remember about 6yrs ago, when I was on it regularily, I got on the Ctrain (Like the L train or subway etc) got off at my favorite Safeway, bougth 3 boxes of the lowest cal (I would compare all all labels etc in every store, recalculate etc) of Angel Food Cake and microwave it. I would either just eat it raw or try to bake it but was too impatient. I also would buy the Dr. Oetker fat free 'muffin' mixes (banana was kryptonite- the item linked is NOT the one I would buy) and just pour them in bowls, mix them with sf syrup, microwave and eat. Or just eat it RAW (again- banana was AMAZING and lemon poppy seed...) This was when I was going thru hell. I don't want to think about that time. It hurts too much. I also only ate the LOWEST calorie flavors of the food (lemon poppy seed, carrot cake etc). Anyways, that angel food cake 'stop' was after taking it and actually coming from a Dr's appointment. I have lost so much memory of things in the past due to this medication- it seems surreal (like a dream). Just trust me on this, I went through HELL and had a rough childhood. No alcoholism, violence etc. It was how I felt about myself. My parents are typical religious strict disciplined educated people. I just had a lot of issues and insecurites/frustrations growing up (as we all did). But somethings have carried on, and are a part of me and I am working on trying to MOVE  ON. Wow.... rambling post. Sorry.
Late for gym and thankfully manager isn't at work. This pill also makes me feel really depressed the day after.  I'm only taking 1/3 the dose and only when I think I need it  (Only 3x in the past 3wks). For the record, I used to take anywhere from 7-20+ times the dose (1mg)... I hate it and don't think I'll use it again.

It makes me feel so low, so I have to be mindful of that. Not let it overpower me. Buying Xenergy drinks today too. Off to gym!

1 comment:

  1. aww don't be down! Is there anything you think you can do that can improve your mindset?