Monday, November 9, 2009

Sorry for lack of posting; a lot of 'sh#$" has been going on. After I tried my ativan (cut the 1mg into 0.5mg and had 3) I became very sick. I was OK up to and until I finished @ the gym and popped another 1/2 before going to work. I started throwing up @ work and went home. I ended up puking until the next morning and feeling off until Saturday night. Nauseous. I've been eating so much; and managed to gain weight while being violently ill. Down side? MY manager pulled all my shifts and only scheduled me for TUESDAY and THURSDAY this week. $ STRESS. I also saw my dad yesterday and that was so hurtful and hard. Brought up 'longing' if you will, for a relationship with him again. I went to pick up some $ and drop off some stuff for my sister. Only my sister was supposed to be there, but my dad drove her to the library where we were meeting. I didn't want to be rude, but felt so self conscious! I did the right thing, and went in to say 'hi' and not be immature and rude. He looked shocked and hurt and different. Almost like he wanted to cry, but not. I was so shaken from the stress after that I could barely walk (shaking legs and knees buckled) for the next 4 hours. I miss him so much, and it just reminded me of what I don't, and never will have again. I honestly think it broke my heart a little. Today is Monday, and obviously I am not going to work. It makes me feel even more unwanted, unappreciated and worthless. More anxiety towards going to work tomorrow. I make things worse on my self by thinking about them constantly.

UPDATE: Had a decent workout, went to see 'Something About Steve" at the cheap theatre, picked up radishes, mushrooms, canned veggies, romaine, green onions, 2 more containers of WHOLLY SALSA!! Some coleslaw etc.

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