Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Still unsure

After my friends immature, selfish, and melodramatic declaration of love, I find myself more and more disgusted, saddened and dismayed.
Most of all, I feel hurt. That he would manipulate me so much, and be so juvenile. He was right about 1 thing; he is a coward. Part of me wants to pretend I didn't hear anything because he yelled it while the heavy black industrial doors were closing in the back entrance to my apartment building. He kept wanting me to cajole him into saying it, and I kept responding with 'don't, this isn't the right time otherwise it wouldn't so hard- go take a break, clear your head to gain perspective, let things happen naturally- if it's meant to be it will happen" (talking hypothetically of course, as I was trying to act like I had no clue what he was having a fit about. He kept trying to fish me to say 'tell me, what is it' and I'm so sick of his games. I barely slept last night, am tired this morning, and stressed. He is quite selfish.
I feel like texting him (as per our norm) acting normal and saying something like 'Ninja Assassin tomorrow!!!" (it's a movie he wants to see), another part wants to shut the phone off completely. Any advice??

The plan for today is as follows:
1. GYM (I am so tired I want to curl up and lay in bed all day)
2.Work (I hope it goes well!)
3.Get through the day.

I think 2 and 3 will definitely be the hardest.

The gym was a killer today...in the NOT good sense. I was so stressed and worried about this whole 'friend' situation, and how it's going to affect me (selfish? perhaps, but I trusted this person) that I couldn't breath or relax. I had my Brownie Batter (aka Chocolate Amazing Grass Superfoods, sweetener, cinnamon, water made thick) and a bag of Radishes Walking to work. Luckily, my manager was doing inventory somewhere and didn't end up seeing him. I did text 'my friend' saying something like "Excited for Ninja fun? Can you pls check your trunk again for the crackers"- he responded with 'sure'. I then further texted asking 'Are we still on for this weekend"? (I am depending on him for a ride to the sugar free place- which he offered, and agreed to). He responded 'I guess, if you want to". I was like WTF!? If I want to?

I over stress ate on Renew Life's Fibersmart from stress again. I bought it, then returned it 11 scoops later...

You can never really rely on, or trust on anyone but yourself. You can truly only depend on you. Otherwise you become weak. I don't mean not letting people in- but watching out for yourself.

Dinner was my usual layered veggie, lettuce, broccoli slaw, tuna, peppers, green onion, tomato, green beans, seaweed, salsa concoction. I used to do 2 cans of beans, a 1 pack shiritaki on the bottom, 283g Fresh Express Hearts of Romaine etc. Then I kept adding tomatoes, peppers, broccoli slaw, another can of beans, 30 seaweed pieces, and 908g of DOLE ROMAINE, followed by BOWLS of salsa, seaweed sheets used for scoopage, radishes etc.

Lately, it's been this process:
Layer 1: Romaine
Layer2: Coleslaw/of Broccoli slaw
-copious amounts of Italian seasoning, creole, chili peppers, green onions, pepper, salt etc and usually Walden Farms Thousand Island/Coleslaw or Jersey Sweet Onion dressing (I use the 'creamy' ones on that layer).
Layer 3: 1 can of wax beans, more spices
Layer 4: Romaine
Layer5: Broccoli slaw/coleslaw (more seasonings)
Layer6: 2 cans of the 14min microwaved, seasoned, crispy canned beans topped with Walden Farms BBQ sauce (thick and spicy, or honey bbq)
Layer 6: Tuna, green onions, tomato, pancake syrup on tuna, or sf apricot jam etc.
Layer 7: Romaine, topped with more BBQ sauce, salsa, pepper, spices etc and remaining tomatoes, green onions, bell peppers etc.

UPDATE: He's been sending weird random texts, such as "bye" and "not eating. staring at wall, in bed all day"... It's grating!!

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